The ice-cream called her: so she walked to the center and treated herself by ordering some exotic flavours in the best place in town. It was a lovely Sunday afternoon so she walked up the castle – happy people everywhere and even the trees were joyfully moving their branches in the wind.
Little by little, without noticing exactly when, a strong feeling of nostalgia that can best be described with the Portuguese word Saudade came over her. It was not out of the blue, it merely seemed like something that was already there, waiting for its time to shine. Like a slow boomerang that flew back unnoticed. Little by little until the feeling that she thought was long gone was all over the place.
Ironically, she was talking to a friend the day before about this feeling, how it has completely disappeared. How she came across some photos of a wedding that happened exactly a year ago. She was there with very dear people at the time, yet when she looked at the photos she barely recognised herself, it all seemed so far in time and space.
Well, it seemed very real again. It was a challenge to walk down from the castle with this flood of unexpected feelings.
Step by step she acknowledged that nobody died, no one got hurt (not even herself, she was left with the nicest of memories), nothing really happened on the outside, yet for some reason with every step she also had more tears in her eyes.
This is phantom pain: something that is no longer there, a missing part of you that was once very true is now the source of the greatest pain. And you let it cry out on the bridge above a still river overlooking the castle.
Her friend asked whether she misses her city or a specific person. Of course a memory of a specific person triggered it but that was not all.
She admitted out loud that she was never happier than now. Every day she has these content feelings of being in the right place at the right time. Clearly, the place where she lives is the total opposite of Delhi and she was even glad about that! Only for those few moments today it felt like she was again (or maybe still?) in another story.
She didn’t really miss anything. She just felt that as there was no proper goodbye to certain situations and people, they still exist somewhere. Like there would be another reality. Hm, there is. It actually continues and this is what can trigger the phantom pain. It is officially not there anymore. No one can see it. But you can feel it more than ever.
It all happened very fast: it also went away very fast because she let it happen.
Simple: it hurts. And it goes away. That’s it.
There was more! She realised that this boomerang of feelings was not something new. It has happened to her already before, numerous times in fact. Nevertheless, today was the first time she did not get angry with herself for going on that rollercoaster of emotions for the n-th time. There was this deep feeling of gratitude for being there for herself, embracing the moment in all its glory and pain mixed toether. She fully accepted the Saudade, simply letting it be.
Soon after she came back to the apartment it started raining very heavily. While talking on the phone with a friend they both laughed that even something so simple as getting an ice-cream can be very dangerous. For safety purposes they are doing it together… After having some naan and chana masala, her favourite, and also the food that is most likely to bring back goold old memories.
She put on some clothes that would be easy to dry and ran out into the rain. In that moment there was nothing more refreshing than jumping and dancing together with the rain drops. In the air there was a more intense smell of elderflower than usual.
The same bridge that supported her when the sun was shining and she could not stop the tears from coming…Now saw her smile and dance in the rain.
The rain continued and it hit her. It hit me:
the feelings that appeared today are like the rain.
We cannot stop the rain.
We can complain about it, about the tears, the feelings but it’s still going to rain.
Whether we choose to or not we let the drops fall freely. We surrender and accept.
We let the water purify, we let it give Life.
It is all so very natural.
Of course on a daily basis it is more practical to use an umbrella for countless reasons.
Nevertheless, from time to time it is good to step outside and feel.
To feel the rain.
To feel the pain.
And let it all be washed away.
On days like this it is good to have a Rainy Playlist!
Here are some ideas:
Listen to the rain: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=686k9qcmzkw